Vishu.

Someone wrapped my eyes close, turned me over and slowly let go. There in a smartphone screen I saw Krishna, decorated with flowers and garlands and lamps.
''Vishu aashamsakal'' he whispered into my ears.
A very happy moment.
                            ****
"Wake up I'm already late for practice !" I woke up to his rushing into my room .
"I'm sorry I slept off .." I said, still in the middle of some happy dream.
"Get ready now, we'll go"
"But it's vishu. I would like to go to temple."
"Okay then I'll go, you can go with your sister"
"Oh .. okay." Flashes of our last vishu together kept playing in my head. We had gone to iskcon then. It's been a year.
He had already left.

These days I don't know how to respond.

You told me how you fell in love with my practicality and logical thinking.And how I am no longer that but a mere emotional being. 

I don't understand how that's bad.Well of course, we are the new generation, this is the new trend,we suppress our emotions and we act cool.Heartlessness is glorified and admired. Aloof is the new sexy. But for how long can you keep up this facade, not expressing what needs to be. Not letting it out. And then , letting it expand and burst and finally kill you. 

But you wouldn't know that, cause you're aloof and now you can't ask for help. Cause that will be uncool.

I usually don't hold grudges over years.

But 2019, was the most fucked up year I had.

And if I lose my shit. I take full responsibility of that . I'm not blaming anyone. That's one thing I learnt..

What did you learn? 

Oh God.My exams are giving my depression a depression.

Don't let any shit take away your career . That's stupid.

Pick yourself up . Dust yourself up. Ok now I'm in a song . Bye

You're right . I have changed .

I used to be a non fussy person , . As much as I liked seeing drama,I hated making a fuss. But these days , all I seem to be able to do, is make even more of a fuss.

I'm sorry . I know this sounds shallow but I'd like to blame love for everything that made me change.

Love , a concept which we use and overuse . Something we can twist into a hundred other things that it's not.

I love you . And I wish I had said that a little more. But would that have made you love me a little more? Just a little so that it'd make you stay. So that I wouldn't have to make such a fuss about you. Such a fuss about love. Because you see .No one has time for this . I'm getting tired of the fuss I'm making. I'm getting tired of my petty posts. There's no moral in my stories and my English teacher if she read this,would tell me she wouldn't give me a grade unless there's a point in my writing.

But you see, it's not just my stories that I don't see a point in.

You know what my older self would tell me if I were to meet her now?

She'd say

"If only you were a little less concerned about some people, you would reach great heights"

If only it was that simple , my dear old self, do you recall how you felt right now. Shouldn't you be saying

 " Don't you worry, this too shall pass."

You are keeping quiet instead. Thanks man, my life is sorted.

People are so strange.

For me, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I know I should be grateful for the things I have.

But I'm not so mature you know, 

I'm striving to be , but the process is kinda slow I guess.

I can't pinpoint the feeling.

It's not a void really. 

Its more like a tube with water flowing inside.

You're happy when the waters starts falling through ,

But that's so 

Short termed

And you know

 it's gone.

And sometimes you don't think about the tube

You laugh with others.

But is it just me 

Or does everyone think my laugh 

is so

Shallow.

Like it lacks the soul in it.

So I end it before everyone else,

Nobody would notice now.

And I've never noticed these things about me.

It's like I've become

 a stranger, to me .

Note to self

For the love of God .

Do not try to control the things you cannot change. Let things be. Things are exactly what they seem like. Nothing more. Nothing less. Take everything at face value. Learn to accept them. And let go. 

Sometimes the things that you do,

 make people love you a little less.

My friend told me to write a post named ' Fresh start' , so I could explain my previous post titled 'last post'.

But you know how people are.. I'm not ready for a fresh start..

I think I need help but I can't accept any cause it somehow feels wrong. I've always pitied sad people, and I don't want to drown in self pity right now.

I cannot keep myself from writing, cause this is like a release for me, where I can dump my thoughts, and offload my mind ,so it wouldn't threaten the life out of me . I don't know why I thought I should stop writing. No guy is worth that. 

I'm sorry I went back on my word. But I'm happy I did cause 

I'm like that.

"Meet me where the sea touches the sky.

Wait for me where our world begins."

This is a last post. 

Au revoir.

I really want to write a happy post today . Because I'm happy today. And the world most often knows only my sad days. I'm sitting in a train and there is a cute couple sitting opposite to me. They are sharing a cup of coffee , and sometimes when they feel I'm not looking , they'll steal a kiss. You know the fresh kind of love . Love that just started. Love that is yet to impress.

I wonder what they see , sitting opposite to them,a girl with glasses and unkept hair , always on her phone, she smiles at times and takes pictures too. They are considering sharing their biscuits . But everyone knows that it's against India's sharing policies to share biscuits with a stranger on a train.

I take my own sachet of biscuits. My dark fantasy is out of league for your good day. But I suddenly don't want them anymore. Hey reader, you're wrong, this is not a sad post. I'm happy. But I'll eat my biscuits after they're asleep, so I don't disturb them. And for now I'll look out of my window. I'll smile at the evening turning darker and the moon peeping out of trees. And I'll fall asleep whilst the lovers still whisper stories. While I dream of my own.

I'll rise and I'll shine. And I'll let it show. 

I've never begged for love until today. 

I was always too proud . And now I don't know what I should feel. I am mixing up the emotions I should feel . I laugh a little louder now, and sometimes I wonder if it's to show my weak heart that it's not as weak. But when you beg for love. You lose the smallest tiniest bit of self respect you had. Don't do it.

Trying to get better.

Self improvement is key guys. All my life I've lived by a script .It's a weird secret, all the summers as a child, I'll spend writing down responses cause I didn't want to be that kid who is stupid . I didn't want out cause I didn't talk .A counsellor at school told me I didn't answer people right away cause I was thinking in my head . Maybe she wanted to make me think I was smart that way. After so much thought in the coming weeks, I realized maybe I should have responded "No Ma'am, it's cause I don't think ,. It's cause I go blank ."

Haven't you heard motivational speakers tell you that your mind is the most powerful thing out there and you can be the richest man on earth if you just put your mind into it and all you can think is "Then why aren't you filthy rich mister? Why do you waste your energy on these lousy speaches" I really used to think like that, I don't know about you . But now I guess I realize how vile we humans are, to disregard truth like that.

Flashback to first para, I was shifted to another class in fifth grade and this really quiet, secretly funny ,food loving weird panda of a person saw a perfect fifth grade kid, with Harry potter glasses and all the attitude a fifth grader can garner. Now that I think about it, he was not that cool, just an ordinary kid but Man I was so infctuated ,and what did I do ,I read all the self improvement stuff out there, I practised my responses so much that it felt automatic.. almost. And my first thought to every question was 'oh I know this!'  

Though I managed to make friends, the dumbfuck Harry potter kid fell in love with my then close girl friend and that love story , if you can call it that,ended after a few many more years of wishing on him.

But that's not the point guys, the point is I got better. I didn't have to try to respond . It came automatically . All hail the power of the strong mind people. And now, when I'm in college, sometimes I see people who do what I did then, I hear their responses and I see myself in their eyes and I wanna tell them that all this can change. 

But then, my mind goes blank.

What to write . Creativity really spikes when I've exams. Do you want to listen to me rave about my failed ventures.I can even make it sound funny.. Almost..

Or do you want me to motivate you to be your better self. Oh I can do that , but don't you look me in the eye, cause then you'll know it's not true. I can't even fucking motivate myself to wake up each morning. I really tried you know? I cannot be happy. I don't even like who I am . I'm not the ohmygodiamsohappyispreadraysoffuckingsunshine kinda girl, but people think I am. Well then that's the thing about disguises , you can be good at it if you don't care about it . But sometimes I care, sometimes I want to be that sunshine ,I  do want to make someone happy when their skies are gray. I'm no saint, I want to make them happy because that'll make me happy and I'll feed good about myself.Okay I know that's a pathetic thing to write but I don't want your sympathy, Don't you sympathize with the devil. Go read another blog. Bye

I've always thought that as I age, I'll somehow become emotionally stronger. Won't always be a cry baby, wouldn't show my anger , wouldn't be so immature.

But everything is relative. . At this point of time, in a dim lit hostel room , I feel I've only grown more fragile, a word can break me.  You're back in your crib crying for love. Maybe the only thing we learned growing up is whom you show your vulnerability to.

Dear Evelyn

Please learn to stand up to your words.
Please learn to stand by the truth no matter who is waving at you from the other side. Learn to trust your instincts and don't let people make you believe that wrong is good if it helps you.

Wrong is wrong. Dearest Evelyn, you'll never be a good friend if you try to make your friend feel better by hurting another. You might need better friends.

You say you're strong because you can go against your heart.
But I say it's stronger if you go with it.

And one day
I hope someone would
Walk upto me and tell me
"What's the point of all these anyway ?"
Till then ,

go with the drumroll.

Aren't we all twisted in our
own little ways.

And one day,
I'll forget you .
And you'd wonder what's missing,
Cause you never really acknowledged what you had.
You'd live your life not knowing what could've been.
Funny thing is,;

Life passes by even if you don't care to look.

The rain makes me sad.

Makes me wish I had someone to watch it with.
. Maybe it's not the rain.

Why do I feel like you're there for everyone except
Me.
I never wanted to cower in your shadow. But I end up doing just that.

You aren't expected to do anything but be that something in that Shadow .
A name sake without a name.

This is so frustrating. All you wanna do is go out, chill, travel , flirt, party, read a book.
Oh!...I don't know. I can't concentrate. I want to live my life. This is college. When do I get to live.

You can't really be happy if you don't have time to do what really makes you happy. Cause girl, you're in med school. You can't afford to fail .

Exams everyday. But dear dedicated reader, who read the things I wrote while in pre med. This is all I ever wanted back then. And here I am hating it. You don't really know what you wish for until you have it.

Ta ta .

You can't define certain states. Are you truly happy, brutally sad or just utterly confused?

Now that you're away. I have more space to think . I have time to reflect over things that happen. I don't easily get attached to anything, be it things or people . But once I get attached , it's difficult for me to wander off much. It takes more time to move on and find interest in other things. It's not impossible still . I'm learning to get used to new things. Slowly, but steadily.

It could be a good thing or a bad thing, sad thing or a happy thing. It's just the way you see it.

Second to everything

As I remember it, I've not told anyone about how important some things were to me. By were, you might mistake they are not so important to me anymore,. Well, they still hold a very special place in my organ of thought. But maybe not as important. Their importance is debatable.

Today is my happiest day. My saddest day. My day of growing. It was since 2009.

2009
Oh I didn't know today was his birthday!
I am too shy to wish.
Let me just smile .

2010
It's too sad I'm in a different class. I should probably wish him after school.
Oh, he is surrounded by so many people. We aren't friends anyway .

2011
Let me post this on his facebook at correct 12 . He might notice the time.
I'll try to look my best.

2012
Maybe I shouldn't wish. I'll just leave a post.

2013
We are in different schools. I'll give my friend a note saying ' Happy birthday. God bless'

2014
Tring tring
''hey! It's me Evelyn. Happy birthday!!''
'Which Evelyn?'
''eh, Evelyn .. Nevermind. Gotta go!''
Beep

Damn. The love of my life forgot me .

I really like this other guy. Maybe he is not the one.

2015
"Happy birthday!"
"Thank you!"
"See you soon .Bye!"
"Bye.."

2016
"Happy birthday. God bless! "
"Thank you! How's college? "
"Good. Bubye! "

2017
"Happy birthday. God bless!"
"Never miss a birthday"
"Never.Bye now."

2018
"Happy birthday!. God bless!"
"Hey. Long time!"
"Yes.i hope you're doing well!"
"Bye?"
"Haha bye!"

2019
Happy birthday.

Here's to a decade of never forgetting to wish. I grew up in between . Everyone did of course. Overcame a lot of childhood drama. Developed more adult drama. Adjusting with feeling second to everything, only to realize you're actually first in the things you don't acknowledge. You don't notice what you take for granted.

Thanks to my childhood crush. I learned a lot . I hope you find all the happiness in the world like I found mine. Well, most of it.

Hallucinate

My parents took me to an orphanage run school for my kg . They were firm believers that kids that young shouldn't be taught seriously or else they wouldn't be able to learn things on their own faster.I have this memory of the then MLA coming to our orphanage and giving everyone clothes, I got one too. A white stitching material. The MLA himself gave it to me and lifted me up . That was the cover photo for the next week's political magazine.

                          *******
Present day

At the dining room , we were talking about everything one talks there. I asked my mom if she had kept the cover photo of the magazine safe, if so I'd like to show my friends.
'What cover photo?' my mom almost sounded curious. Dad's face unreadable.
After telling the whole getting clothes from the MLA story, no one still had a clue.
'Stop cooking up funny stories ' everyone laughed it away, including me.

Get a grip, Evelyn.

I'm sorry I'm not your go to person when you're sad. I'm sorry I'm not anybody's go to person for anything. Is it because I can't talk? I don't know . It could be because I'm too self centered and immature at times. But sometimes, sometimes you never know. People might surprise you, they are all pleuripotent. We can rise above set expectations or maybe even stoop way below.

But if you do know me in real life. Do come upto me if you need any help, it'll help me more than you.

Have a wonderful day.

The variability of constants

Last month this time, I might have been waiting to spend time like this. Doing nothing. Watching pointless sitcoms., breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed. But hey.
Have you stopped to think that people don't really need what they think they need? While I'm still working around this idea, let me just state it . You don't need that new whatever thing you want. You don't need someone to make you happy, you don't need 'me' time, you don't need friends,. All you really crave for , is change.

Let me explain it to you in a much more complicated way . You say you want to be happy, that statement assumes that you're in fact, sad. But in an entirely different scenario, this assumed sad feeling, would be thought of as happy , maybe given harder circumstances.

.Everything is a variable. Constancy is a variable. Life is in equilibrium when there is a variable constant. And you can't stay the same.
Nothing should stay the same.

Everything changes and life shall pass by.

Say for me,

That I'm alright,

I'm all that I wanted to be,

Wild and free.

Though it does feel

kind of a drag.

Don't tell them that,

I wouldn't want

them to know.

Whatever.
I'll just wait .
I'll wait and watch myself melting away into the Bangalorean sun.

#abstract

My grandfather was just like you. So outgoing and cool. He was the cool dude of his times . Sometimes I wish i could meet him when he was younger. He had modern thoughts people said. A revolutionary.

My grandmother, not many people knew her. She was a school teacher, a good one said her students. To me she was an angel who seldom spoke. Once in a while she'll get talkative and speak about her best days when she was a child. But she never voiced her opinions at home. I thought she was always like that.

One fine day, when i was about 12, a very old lady came to our house. My grandfather's friend she said , from America. She didn't know my grandfather had died when i was four. She came to see him and also his wife, my grandmother. My grandmother just smiled, not even trying to get up and greet. I don't really know what the lady felt, but she seemed weirded out. She said stories about how she met my grandfather and how charming he was in the army, . How she came all the way just to see him and his family. More importantly, how animatedly my grandmother used to talk, and how strongly she voiced her opinions, like how a real teacher should . This here striked me as odd. Someone I've seen my entire life, she used to be someone different, a person who had opinions. This was news for young me.

This is a story much before I was born. Before my father married my mother. After the lady left, i had to ask my grandmother, what changed.
'Your grandfather.' was her answer. There are so many things you can't ask your family . Why did she take an early retirement from her teaching job.My father , when he was small still remembers her screaming loudly at night, crying other days. Did she go insane before she became so quite. Did my grandfather, the revolutionary with modern thoughts try to change her simple mind. Did she have to deny the truths for the sake of her family . Well i hope history doesn't repeat so much.

But you know.

I love you.

Evelyn will always love Dimitri.

Light years

I can never

share my heart with you.

I might love you

unconditionally

and you might even reciprocate .

But darling,

when it comes to

sharing thoughts,

we are light years

apart .

It's a wonderful thing and a bad thing. We can be as many people as we want to be. We are different versions from different people's perspective. We are what we think we are, we are also what our partner thinks us to be. Can their ever be one single definition of who we truly are. Here absolute dissolves into obsolete. We are one and we are multiple. We are everyone and everything all at once.

The best time to chill is when you're super busy. Now don't get me wrong. Think about it. You need an empty space in your brain once in a while so that you can function.

People like me, i don't know if there are people like me, but if there is., They are scared to stay not busy , scared you'll be pushed into insanity if you keep still, that you'll overthink every scenario if given the time.You see, taking steps is easy. Standing still is hard.

So this post here is an advice to people like me. Take a break when you think you don't have time to spare. Then only can you survive. I might sound like an advertisement but let me just say it, make time to go after people you love when you have other things to do, not when you're free.

Take a break . Walk away.

I miss being in love.

Isn't it funny how relationships are not always about love?

It's more of a comfort zone you create. You get along well with someone, you think they can give you the happiness you think you deserve and you decide to get into a relationship with that someone. The relationship of your dreams. Some days you think you're in love. Some days you're just scared to leave cause you don't want to face what's outside your comfort zone. Your mind is playing games with your heart. Are you really in love? Can you think of times when you where more in love than you're now?

You think you're safe inside , but comfort zones are ironically uncomfortable.

I'm losing track here. Why do we need to love or be loved. I don't know.

Everyday is a normal day unless we make it special. A special day might turn normal when you don't put in the effort.

Happy birthday Dimitri. Evelyn is sorry for not putting in the effort. Evelyn wanted Dimitri to have all the happiness there is.

Dimitri deserves better.