Bliss

I have so much to study right now.

But right now, I'm in the mood for wine.

I wanna sit back and actually appreciate how far I've come.

I'm so proud of myself.

I'm happy after a long time .

It's like I found a happy memory I didn't know I had.

I don't want to talk right now.

I'm okay with this , peace.

We all have so much past stuck up our throats, it's like we don't live here anymore.

We forget that these might be the memories we miss when we are older.

Last year this time. I thought things will never be the same and I won't get out of the shithole I fell into.

Things didn't stay the same. 

But life is no shithole.

I found love in the most unlikely of places.

And I can finally finally love love like how I've always wanted to.

And I'll wear my heart on my sleeve again.

Lost

I though I got over this.

When I was in school, I used to spent enormous amounts of time just staring into blank spaces.

And then somewhere life got busy and I never really went back.

But in the back of my head, it felt like I went out too much or got busy just so I can skip this .

And now it's like this habit of mine was never gone.

All I do is stare into spaces. People ask me what I'm thinking about.

I'm not.

It's all void. 

How can you not think of anything. They ask.

But I'm not lying.

I'm getting stuck.

In transition

is so weird

Why does it take so much of my energy to be happy.

Is that normal.

Why do I always feel

 in between places, inadequate, 

messed up and a little less.

I try though.

And I think I'm happy when I look happy but then I'm not sure.

 

Seems like I'm pulling my heart up a well 

And it keeps spilling out back into it .

Everything I do seems so less .

If I go out, it drains me.

If I stay in , my thoughts kill me.

Does everyone feel like an imposter in their own lives cause all you do everyday is think about how you've never really helped anyone while you owe everyone your life.

Parts 1 of 10

It seems like a second ago.

 Cold mess is playing in the background and we are sort of wrapped around each other . I'm brushing my fingers over his head, catching hold of a few hairs now and then. He has his hands around me ,head buried in my chest. 

This is eerily comfortable for me.

The air is so still , like it's watching, almost. A light breeze brushes through us once in a while and I look at the view. 

I can almost imagine I can see the sea from up here. Cars and trucks had beautiful pinpoint lights ,and I was glad the noise didn't carry. The pinpoint lights made little moving pinpoint reflections in the lake below. 

I could be in a dream right now.

Do you know what the most absolute truth about love is ?

It's timing.

Maybe you wanted someone all your life, maybe you thought that they are your one true love and if you get them to love you like how you love them , it doesn't matter if you drop down dead . Then and there.

And then if by any tough luck ,they do confess that they are now magically in love with you too. It's too late. You're unapologetically over him epochs ago. 

And there are beautiful people in your story now, whom you would resurrect from drop dead for.

Nothing ever happens the way we planned it and we are everything what's wrong with the universe . We're the fucking glitch. Our plans don't matter , cause love made plans. 

So don't hold back.You regret the things you don't try.

 Cause Love, doesn't arrive at the wrong time. We do . And love would leave too, when we least expect it.

Everything in life is essentially timing.

Going in circles

I always had people with me when I needed them.

I'll always have plan b's when plan A falls through.

And I'd have people to ring up when I'm lonely at 3am.

I'm showered with love and this gives me anxiety.

I don't give back. I am not there for them. I wouldn't do the same for them. 

I have tried to change this. I've tried telling people I'm there for them. And I've put in efforts to help .

But it never comes as second nature . When there's a situation where I could help out, my first instinct is to run . And I'd have a few seconds for myself I'll swallow my shallow thoughts and decide to help.

I am scared people can tell .

And they'd think I'm unauthentic or something.

And sometimes I feel everyone is like me.

When I cross the road with my dad, I'll hold his hand and in my head I'm thinking if he's happy cause I still need him or he's happy cause he could help.I don't know if that's a bad way to think. 

And if I want to befriend someone I'd let them help me. 

But I want to help too. More because I think it will help me.

I don't know if I'm thinking straight.

I have a headache.

And I just woke up.

I'm going through a difficult phase, I tell myself.

I need to find myself so I can be normal again.

So I can come back to the routine I had.

Maybe if I've taken better care of myself, I won't be feeling this pain, I won't be falling sick cause I would be fit, I tell myself this.

But then why are we so flawed, If we don't look after ourselves, groom overselves ,it's game over. Why is that so.

See that's because we are machines which need to be oiled. I tell myself.

And I am still doubtful. 

You're not the only person in my head.

I believe even though how vain it might sound,

That I was born for greatness.

And that's why things keep happening.

Those minor inconveniences and not so minor insecurities.

And I hope what I believe is true.

That all of this is for that greater good.

Like Heraclitus said,

No man ever steps in the same river twice,

For it's not the same river and

 he's not the same man.

Poetry stems at 4am

Imagine we haven't met.

I know that's a sad thought.

Where would all that laughter go.

Where would I put all my love.

But if we hadn't met , I would still have missed you.

And I wouldn't have been able to know what the hell I was feeling.

And that sums up my whole life.

What the fuck is this funny feeling.

But hey feeling, stay where you are now.

You were uninvited , but it'd be wonderful if you could stay.

🌻

I can write you from memory.

I can talk about vast green fields and sunflowers and reach you.

If I'm lying here half awake , maybe I can think you're the crumbled up sheet beside me.

Suddenly you're my kitten 

Or you're the wind blowing ever so lightly.

You're everything I can think of.

But then,

 I cannot memorize how it was when you were here with me.

Next time, I'd record the feeling.

It's kind of weird,

you wouldn't know you were missing something until you are re experiencing it.

It's like, you forgot.

the illusion of love

Suddenly, out of the blue .

I've so many things to say.

My heart swells up with so much happiness that I doubt if I were ever this happy.

I cannot recall another time where something made me like this, like I'm living that miniscule happiness where I get down from the school bus and run home,and  I'm  here melting into those soft brown eyes.

I am living a right now where I can romanticize a cup of coffee.

Everything's wonderful, it's like getting a new pair of glasses and watching a whole new world unravel before you. 

And I want to stop and record this feeling of mine, cause if it were upto me,

 I'd make this stay

And love love for what love is worth.

If this doesn't work out,

I won't be able to believe in love anymore.

I know all love is fleeting,

Atleast I'm told.

But why do we beg for love to stay.

This feeling, 

Why do I want it the same

Like Christmas inside a snowglobe.

The happy picture.

The ever after.

Why does this sound sad 

When I know I want to live and die inside it.

Delirium

I am everywhere and nowhere

Stuck somewhere in space.

But then love

Is a strong word.

Is it safe to say that it's love .

And I drift off. 

Lost in my head.

And I think I see you

 in front of me

Smiling and laughing with another girl.

I feel

Jealous, lonely, tired.

And a little relieved.

I see myself too, laughing and smiling 

With someone else.

Have I found the closure I badly wanted,.

Or is it just laughter , cause

You know 

We can say lonely from the

Sound of their laughs.

So is it that lonely laugh .

I'm right here and I'm not.

I'm stretching these nights into days .

So that I've something to do .

This storm 

In my head is clouding my thoughts .

This delirium I feel , 

How long can I not let it surface,

Can I strangle it and keep it inside

And pretend nothing was ever there 

to start with.

God has wonderful wonderful plans for you, you idiot.

You know the heart is like so full of love and affection. There is always enough to go around. Love anyone you want. Nobody cares except you. You are your mental health . You're your lucky charm. 

You go get what is yours.

How am I so good at pushing away people.

My friend tells me I do this so I can feel the gratification while I pull them back. But maybe he doesn't know that I am not really as good at pulling as I am at pushing.

Let me get my defences straight.

I don't want people to leave.

I'm scared I'll fall in love hence I'm slow to accept love.

I act so fucking fragile all the time.

I should treat people like people .

I don't know why I act like I'm the only person who has feelings here.

Did empathy die.

Don't despise people because you can't explain to them what's going on with you.

But on the bright side, I'm trying okay? Cause it gets lonely without you. 

I'll let you in and not complain.

I'll hear you out and some day I'll pull more than I push .

Or maybe I'll push so that I can pull myself near you .

An ocean of thoughts

I wonder what happens when people read a lot about a lot of things. Like I wanted to and still wants to be a well read person so I will have an idea about everything happening around me. But wouldn't that mean , when we actually get an idea of our own , won't we have the feeling we've read this somewhere. That this is not really ours. 

Everything has already been said and done? And no story is really new , it's just a variation of something else. What a boring feeling would that be.

Or do you think no-one can actually achieve that level of well readness (I'm sorry I couldn't get the exact word).

I don't know if we all do this. But the worst thing about me is that I try to change the things I cannot control. And I don't accept the things even if it's right in front of me, screaming.

Instead I try to change it. I strive for that which I cannot get . And I get hurt again for the same fucking thing.

 

I'm the only one that can help me. If I can't get this inside that thick skull of mine. I'm not going anywhere.

I'm a poet when I think of you.

But there are so many things I fall short in.

So help me get there.

Cause we'd be good

 together .

New light

In a universe I built in my head,

There live souls ,

And souls feed on light, as do humans on oxygen.

The scene gets darker 

When we are not our happiest self .

The souls that need new light die 

And are reborn .

Aren't we all just lost souls looking for new light.

It's crazy how much happens and how much you forget and then,

You remember . 

You know how when something goes missing in our house, we organise everything and throw out trash and we finally find that something when the whole house is cleaned. That's life . You need to declutter and throw away the useless stuff , so that you can truly appreciate what you have. You can bring clarity to your otherwise smug life.

Insomaniac

I keep myself busy throughout the day 

With the things I want to care more about.

And there's this voice inside my head telling me I'm really tired.

But I lose it when I hit the bed.

I can't sleep anymore.

Why do you have to haunt me.

Even in my sleep.

Why do I have only you to blame cause I can't sleep.

Is that really fair .

Cause you don't know this .

That I'm so filled with shit ,

That I need help to unload.

But I'll get back up ,

I'll work till my brains fall asleep.

And I'll not let it think of you.

I'll bury you with exhaustion.

And one day I wouldn't remember you,

But my exhaustion would've finally paid off.

And I'll sleep like a baby.

I'm the most neediest person I've ever met. Get a grip Evelyn, Margo , whoever the hell you pretend to be.

Dispensable

There are people we think about everyday. And there are people we thought we cannot sleep without thinking about . But was that ever true.

 Time fades everything . Slowly , we forget to think about them everyday. We are all dispensable in someone's memory. But when we think we're done thinking about that someone , their memories come rushing in. Whether you want it or not. 

Margo

Evelyn was close to my heart , for more than a decade now. But Evelyn is also a heart broken character.She is unsure about everything she does.

She is so damn fragile for me to handle anymore.

So I decided to kill this character. The world.No, I need a stronger character in my story.

So Evelyn dies a not so tragic death.

And she resurrects in whatever dramatic way you want to think of.

And Margo is born.

Margo is strong and beautiful and not afraid to fight for the things she love.

Living isn't really very significant.
To live is to be in pain , weighing you down when you sleep at night.
That's why.
That's why we create relationships and things that we like.
So that we know
We are not alone.

Okay so I was walking, I don't know why and it happens to be inside my college.

And then I saw a place where I can sit. I sat there. It was windy and my lazily combed hair was doing a dance of their own. And a guy came ,I know this guy , he is in my college. He was like oye why are you sitting hear all alone.

I said " I don't know '

And he asked "Are you depressed"

"Not really"   Wait what.

"So you came to enjoy the nature"

"I don't know" I reply cause I really haven't thought about it.

I breathed better after he left .

Why do you always need a reason for doing things.

If you do it without thinking , your body or mind probably wants it.

Why do you have to ruin moments talking or even thinking about it. Just swallow it and feel good about it. 

So let's be quiet and not think or think . But just don't force yourself .

Let things be and it's okay if I'm still sitting here and if my hair is trying new steps now.

People always leave.

I haven't written a new year post yet. Cause I wanted it to be a happy one. Something that screams out that this is my year.

I don't know if it's just me .But people always seem to leave. Right now , I'm judging myself, cause I don't know what it is I am doing which is making people leave . I'll really need criticism here, maybe I won't be able to handle it, but everyone deserves the truth. Period.

I'm the only story I've heard where people just get up and leave at times when you don't have a clue . When you least expect it. When you're finally getting comfortable.  Why though. Is it the people I chose or is it really me. Is it cause I take a little more time to let people in. Is it cause I find it scary to let people know that behind the mask of weird jokes and efforts to try to fit in; is no one special. Just another vulnerable human. Just like you.