Going in circles

I always had people with me when I needed them.

I'll always have plan b's when plan A falls through.

And I'd have people to ring up when I'm lonely at 3am.

I'm showered with love and this gives me anxiety.

I don't give back. I am not there for them. I wouldn't do the same for them. 

I have tried to change this. I've tried telling people I'm there for them. And I've put in efforts to help .

But it never comes as second nature . When there's a situation where I could help out, my first instinct is to run . And I'd have a few seconds for myself I'll swallow my shallow thoughts and decide to help.

I am scared people can tell .

And they'd think I'm unauthentic or something.

And sometimes I feel everyone is like me.

When I cross the road with my dad, I'll hold his hand and in my head I'm thinking if he's happy cause I still need him or he's happy cause he could help.I don't know if that's a bad way to think. 

And if I want to befriend someone I'd let them help me. 

But I want to help too. More because I think it will help me.

I don't know if I'm thinking straight.