Butt dial

I drunk dial you everyday. Except I don't drink now,  and we are still together .

It's just force of habit. 

Almost like I unlock my phone and start calling you and I realize this. And it's too late now. 

But you've got me covered.

 You don't pick up.

My heart finds irrelevant things to focus on and my brain can't adapt.

And I'm in the middle, 

Waiting for someone to hold my hand

And walk me through. 

Anger management

90 days to neet ,my wallpaper countdown reads.

Heyy come out.

I smile and closed my tablet and went outside . We went to the beach today. I felt so fresh.  I haven't seen the sun in so many days .

It was around sunset and the sky had a purple hue. So beautiful. I looked over and you were trying to capture the sunset . 

'Can I use your shoulder as a camera stand'

"Yeahh why not. " I smiled for nobody.

The food is taking forever to reach and you're still editing that photo. I wait for you to say something.  Then I say something about how boring my classes are.  I ask about your day.  You murmur something, trying to get the color grading right. I look  around , my freshness fading a bit. You're telling me about your grandma while you transfer photos to your phone and also keeping track of the football score. And you start telling me about the game.  So I ask you what happened to the grandmother , and you seem to have forgotten what you were talking about. 

My undivided attention feels wasted on you. You take a call in between .I curse my digital detox gurus because I didn't have a single entertainment app with me. 

 Don't you think it's so pretty? I ask after . And you nod in between your tasks . What a waste of expensive mascara. I feel angry at you for not even looking at me, at myself for skipping that class,  and the food that took an hour to arrive, . You stopped talking all together and was busy with I'm not sure what. My class timer went off , I've missed another class . 

My pent-up anger burst and the sea turned red, the plates went flying, and I threw your phone to the sea. And stormed out of the place.  

Breathe in and count to ten.

I looked at you again. 

'Do you wanna go have juice elsewhere?' I ask not expecting a response 

'What?' 

"Mhmm ' I shrugged it off,  I didn't want juice . I wanted to get out of this pretty place.

I wanted to go back to my tiny reading room where I can lie down and sleep sometimes when I'm bored . And cry when I'm angry . And eat when I'm stressed.

Removing myself.

Have you felt so full of yourself that you feel you're overflowing into spaces where you don't belong. You're sorry but you're fluid so that's your nature. You have to flow even if sometimes you are the tsunami to someone's me-time . You're also matter but you occupy a little too much space.  You are Cinderella's evil sister trying to fit in. You're everything when you want to be only certain some things. 

I wish I could be God. And I'd withdraw this tsunami of my thoughts,  freeze myself to ice or surface tension the shit out of rain drops and disappear into thin air , remove myself to a galaxy where I expand so much that it explodes.

 I'd be happy then.

Aparimitha

 I believe and I'm brought up to believe that no sky is ever the limit.

Save yourself the drama . You are not the first human in the world. 

You're not the first or last person trying to get what they really want.

What is your excuse for not trying hard enough.

What is your excuse for not being able to look in the mirror and say you've done all you can towards getting there.

 Seriously though,  what's your excuse?

is it not art when it's enjoyed alone ?

Sometimes the rain sounds like the sea or a wild ocean or strong wind, but how do we know which one, if not for context. But this time,whats hitting the roof of my reading room was definitely rain.

I wanted to go out in the rain ,see it pour down . It would be better than sitting confined to these four walls,I think to myself and sprung up,acting on impulse. I went outside and stood near a window.

It was beautiful, mist on my face, caressing,almost. The wind lashing in like an ocean.Almost.

I stood there for what felt like a long five minutes.  I wanted to tell people how beautiful this is and how happy that makes me and I longed for someone to watch the rain with me. 

Admire it, with me.

  I look around . It's the window the rain and I. 

Suddenly, the rain felt

 a little too harsh,

a little too loud,

and a little too wild.

And I went back in ,hugging myself.

Eve to Evelyn

Sometimes when people are put into stressful situations,  their mind forgets who they are and takes another identity. An unconscious running away. A split personality.

And we then live our second lives,  forgetting who we were. Picking up pieces . Not making any sense. Believing this is the real us.  That there is nothing beyond these four walls.  All old feeling fresh now. 

Relearning things , till it hits . All at once . And the four walls shatter into light and we step into a garden full of bird song. Our bare feet touching lush green grass. 

Two lovers in wonderland . Everything is new and old . Adam and Eve a thousand times over . Oblivious ,amnestic and unsplit.

Sense of the world

I look to my side , nothings changed.

The AC is in swing . I like reading when it's cold  , but isn't it a little less cold today . Or is it just me?

I look to my side.  Nothing

Sometimes the things we love, are the things we hate. I've looked forward and dreaded studying . I've loved and loathed my lovers at the same time. 

I glance at my question bank timer,123 minutes left and I still have 140 questions. I'm reading through the questions but nothing seems to stick.

Time's up. Maybe I should go for a walk. 

I look to my ‐- our eyes met. The silence in the room is painted warm and we broke into a mirroring smile. 

"Evelyn..Can I switch on the fan ?"

Sometimes we like the same things.

people always leave

I don't mean much to the people who mean the world to me.

It hurts me to think I'm not enough. 

When will I find friends that think I'm enough .

Why is it that

I'm never enough. 

And why do people always leave you. 

What is it about you ? 

What about me screams.  

I'm pathetic , don't worship me. 

Just like that

Why do bad things happen in good places.

This is not bad. 

It's only bad if you think it's bad. 

My throat so dry, my heart sinking.

This pizza suddenly tasteless.  

I'm thankful today for my contact lenses to keep my tears from dripping.

Okay take it cool. Don't think .

Breathe. Always remember to breathe. 

Why is it so hard. 

What's there to choke, drama queen.

It's rude to leave like that,  let's just finish what we are having.

Washroom . Yes . Give myself a pep talk. Yeah. You got this.  How do I stop my lips from quivering. Would lipstick help.

Okay smile. 

Nobody is going to eat you. 

This was not supposed to be this sad .

It was supposed to be liberating.  Like coming fresh out of a shower .

But I,  I don't have any regrets.  I wanted to say it since a decade. And I'm proud of myself that I finally mustered the courage to say it, only to be rejected without a second thought.  Without a hopeful pause. Plain and out there. Bare for anyone to step on it .and squish it and kill it.

And I died just a little out there.

My strong grip on this wine glass might crush the glass. Stop it. 

"We'll leave?"

'Yeah'

"The pizza was so good"

'It was amazing.'

"The wine too."

'Yess!'

"I'll book cab?"

'Yes. I should be going too.'

How is it so easy to have such a shallow conversation after such a beautiful eventful evening . How deep was this love.  How am I still standing.  Everything is so heavy and I'm a little dizzy. 

"Hey my cab guy is here!"

'I'll miss you '

If this was a movie I would've burst into tears and ran and hugged him tight and not let him go.  But my throat went dry and I mustered the courage and smiled at him.

I'll miss you terribly too.  The words never left my tongue. 

We hugged and I got into my cab and rode into the distance . My contact lenses couldn't hold it and the burst of tears came 37 seconds late or so. I cried all the way home. There is no reason to cry. There are no memories to cherish. Nothing lost .

But nothing ever the same.

And it ended just like that. 

No happy endings. No goodbyes. 

Pavlov and I

I've always had the best of everything. 

I ask for it I get it.

Except for the things I really wanted or the

people I really loved .

So everytime I feel like I need something,  I get instantly scared because I'm not used to getting what I truly desire. 

I get alternatives instead .

But I'm too immature to value the alternatives. 

Because hey God, give me what I want. 

And I imagine God to say something like

Hey kid, work for it. 

Does God really work that way? Is it like crime and punishment.

Are we like Pavlov and his conditioned dog. And God is Pavlov.

I just need to have some discipline  and get out of this place for good when the time comes.  

I really don't know man.  I don't have anyone to talk to. It's draining for me to talk to everyone I call my friends.  Because I don't share what I want to share.  Instead i make fun of my friends for what they do and criticize them to a point they leave. 

I realize how fucked up that is. It's like the dog knows that it's just the bell and not the food.  But what the hell.

Let's go wagging our tails for the things that we don't get. 

prioritities

Focus on yourself baby.

Because at the end of the day , only you care for yourself. 

Do you want to get sidetracked on the lines of

Am I really good enough. 

Or do you want to live a relatively stress free life .

I can't relate.

But I'll strive for excellence 

Even when it's not perfection.

I should sleep now so I won't have to be extra confused tomorrow. Pulled the blanket over my head,still not blinding the light in interns room.

I counted sheep. Around 10 of them and all I could think of was how life is so full of missed opportunities,  how in a world of seven billion people, you cannot deny how strongly we get attached to some. How I thought I can stare at people and they'll fall in love with me . How the alchemist told the universe will conspire to get us what we want. Yet somehow I feel I'll never get the things or people I want, ..need, the most . How cosmic energies would collide and you are fated to meet some people . And you'll just want them. But the cosmos didn't collide so much as to get you what you truly desire.

Stop thinking so much. I squeezed my eyes closed. Somewhere near my ear a mosquito buzzed.

Everything dissolved into a shadow of blue scrubs and pretty eyebrows. 

This is not a happy ending.

Dimitri turns villain.

There wasn't anything left. 

The butterflies died long ago. 

Evelyn is scared of him. 

She keeps pushing him away,

He drugs her, quite literally. 

Helper of the world by day

Devil by night. 

But who do you have by your side Evelyn?

It's almost sad.

If you can't defeat the enemy,

You take his side. 

I can do this for two more months. 

Or can I .

nobody is your person

Ever felt like nobody ever gets you and you feel so drained trying to look normal.

You want to go everywhere but you refuse to adjust.

Like what the fuck.

Get yourself together. 

If you don't like someone, let them into your secret.

Don't reaction formate the shit out of them. 

They deserve that much. 

You deserve peace baby.

I'm lost without you .

And I wish I could leave

But I'm scared it'll be like I lost gravity.

That I will be losing something I'm so used to, 

And I'll float in space without you .