Sometimes the things that you do,

 make people love you a little less.

My friend told me to write a post named ' Fresh start' , so I could explain my previous post titled 'last post'.

But you know how people are.. I'm not ready for a fresh start..

I think I need help but I can't accept any cause it somehow feels wrong. I've always pitied sad people, and I don't want to drown in self pity right now.

I cannot keep myself from writing, cause this is like a release for me, where I can dump my thoughts, and offload my mind ,so it wouldn't threaten the life out of me . I don't know why I thought I should stop writing. No guy is worth that. 

I'm sorry I went back on my word. But I'm happy I did cause 

I'm like that.

"Meet me where the sea touches the sky.

Wait for me where our world begins."

This is a last post. 

Au revoir.

I really want to write a happy post today . Because I'm happy today. And the world most often knows only my sad days. I'm sitting in a train and there is a cute couple sitting opposite to me. They are sharing a cup of coffee , and sometimes when they feel I'm not looking , they'll steal a kiss. You know the fresh kind of love . Love that just started. Love that is yet to impress.

I wonder what they see , sitting opposite to them,a girl with glasses and unkept hair , always on her phone, she smiles at times and takes pictures too. They are considering sharing their biscuits . But everyone knows that it's against India's sharing policies to share biscuits with a stranger on a train.

I take my own sachet of biscuits. My dark fantasy is out of league for your good day. But I suddenly don't want them anymore. Hey reader, you're wrong, this is not a sad post. I'm happy. But I'll eat my biscuits after they're asleep, so I don't disturb them. And for now I'll look out of my window. I'll smile at the evening turning darker and the moon peeping out of trees. And I'll fall asleep whilst the lovers still whisper stories. While I dream of my own.

I'll rise and I'll shine. And I'll let it show. 

I've never begged for love until today. 

I was always too proud . And now I don't know what I should feel. I am mixing up the emotions I should feel . I laugh a little louder now, and sometimes I wonder if it's to show my weak heart that it's not as weak. But when you beg for love. You lose the smallest tiniest bit of self respect you had. Don't do it.

Trying to get better.

Self improvement is key guys. All my life I've lived by a script .It's a weird secret, all the summers as a child, I'll spend writing down responses cause I didn't want to be that kid who is stupid . I didn't want out cause I didn't talk .A counsellor at school told me I didn't answer people right away cause I was thinking in my head . Maybe she wanted to make me think I was smart that way. After so much thought in the coming weeks, I realized maybe I should have responded "No Ma'am, it's cause I don't think ,. It's cause I go blank ."

Haven't you heard motivational speakers tell you that your mind is the most powerful thing out there and you can be the richest man on earth if you just put your mind into it and all you can think is "Then why aren't you filthy rich mister? Why do you waste your energy on these lousy speaches" I really used to think like that, I don't know about you . But now I guess I realize how vile we humans are, to disregard truth like that.

Flashback to first para, I was shifted to another class in fifth grade and this really quiet, secretly funny ,food loving weird panda of a person saw a perfect fifth grade kid, with Harry potter glasses and all the attitude a fifth grader can garner. Now that I think about it, he was not that cool, just an ordinary kid but Man I was so infctuated ,and what did I do ,I read all the self improvement stuff out there, I practised my responses so much that it felt automatic.. almost. And my first thought to every question was 'oh I know this!'  

Though I managed to make friends, the dumbfuck Harry potter kid fell in love with my then close girl friend and that love story , if you can call it that,ended after a few many more years of wishing on him.

But that's not the point guys, the point is I got better. I didn't have to try to respond . It came automatically . All hail the power of the strong mind people. And now, when I'm in college, sometimes I see people who do what I did then, I hear their responses and I see myself in their eyes and I wanna tell them that all this can change. 

But then, my mind goes blank.