Unsettling

​Is it really okay not to be okay for this long. 

I cannot remember peace and quiet.

God works in mysterious ways. I have exhausted myself trying to live upto my own standards.

Oh God, why can’t I for once get what I really want.

What is this great learning that I’m missing.

Why do I fucking take 5 hours more for things that can be done in 5 seconds.

Where is the light at the end of this tunnel .

Which tunnel is this damn long that I cannot see the light. 

Let there be light .

memoirs of existence

​Why am I keeping record of every time

I feel like I don’t belong

Like I’m trying too hard 

But with no outcome

All my efforts dissipating.

At ten, I lived a little near the beach

And sometimes I would go to the road

And wonder if I would have to die

If a tsunami came via the road

Because I thought that’s how tsunamis come

In specified channels destroying targeted areas.

Somewhere when I was a kid

It got into my head that killing oneself 

Is a cowardly thing to do

And I’d look down on every suicide

Like I’m better than them

I’m not a coward 

And I have so many things to do

So many people to become

So I have to heal fast 

So that I don’t lose it

But why is it that when

I know in my heart that 

I didn’t do anything wrong

Then why do I feel so guilty.

Altruism much

​And I drown myself again

But it’s quite different this time

It is more mature I feel

Every time I want to run away

From these thoughts

I find a distraction

Which eventually turns out to be

The next reason I run away.

No I’m not working on myself

And trying to get over whatever phase of depression this is.

I honestly don’t know how to do that.

Instead I’m working on other people

It’s almost like derealization.

You take yourself out of your body

See yourself in third person 

And you start doubling down to whatever 

People want you to be.

Everything is fine as long as you don’t think about it.

As long as I find solace in this servitude .

I shall make do with this.

I will fit all my thoughts into a small box

And throw it into the ocean

Where it will free float and

I will sleep 

without a single dream.

Pitch black and pin point. 

Guardian Angel

“I will never let you fall

I’ll stand up with you forever

I’ll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven “

Where are you now 

I am done being misunderstood 

And misinterpreted 

I will never forgive 

And I’ll never forget.

I have grown up to stop my own tears.

I’ll be good to everyone in the world 

Just to spite you

I’ll built an army 

Just so I can.

I’ve never loved you.

I’ve never known love with you

Don’t you all dare come 

To my grave. 

Don’t you dare shed a tear if I die.

I will hate you all till my last 

Fucking breath . 

Musing

Is this another fake scenario in my head 

Or Are we walking on a busy road 

Finding things to talk about

How Arbor brewer company had the

Best beer in town. 

You tell me how you would have liked

It more if you were a bit taller 

And I look at you and I say 

You are the right amount of tall

And you shrug it off and

Ask me if I’ve ever had Karachi biscuits 

No ? They’re the right amount of sweet

Or something like that

And I see a head looking at us 

Out of an auto and she shouts Appuu! 

Aara Appu? and I look at you

You burst into a smile so cheeky 

you are fifteen again in your Man U cap 

The auto stops

We walk towards Appu’s sister . 

Why are you here

No why are you here

It’s mildly amusing for me

I smile she smiles and you smile

She waves

We wave back

And I don’t know what happens next.

Buoyancy much

I'm too much. 

Like I know I'm not okay , I want to scream cry and make everything about me. 

I do not know how to make sense of this .

I am the attention seeking personality I read about. But what is that disorder called when you want attention, but you keep telling yourself that you don't need this attention and you wallow up into self pity. Go into shut down. 

Is it some sort of conversion disorder.

I don't know

I don't want to know.

For once 

I want to be enough. 

This is enough 

Be like me.

I am enough.

Instead of constantly wanting to disappear,  to run away to set everything on fire so that somewhere this anger will go away . Somewhere I'll stack this anxiety. 

Instead I want to let my guards down.  I want to walk into a still ocean naked  , I want to be that twig that goes anywhere the waves go . I want to float and not feel so heavy . I want to be rich in time when my time won't be spend thinking what I'd do next , or making too many plans just so, I don't have to think.  I want vacuum for a head. So it'll help me float .

missing a life I've never had

Why do I feel like this. 

Like I'm getting out of my body staring at myself doing absolutely nothing.

Is it comfortable?

What is it that I miss. 

I don't know man.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow 

I don't want to do the same things every day.

I want to walk away . 

I want to smile only when I feel like it. 

I want to cry whenever wherever

I don't want to rush.

I don't want to try so hard.