Just like that

Why do bad things happen in good places.

This is not bad. 

It's only bad if you think it's bad. 

My throat so dry, my heart sinking.

This pizza suddenly tasteless.  

I'm thankful today for my contact lenses to keep my tears from dripping.

Okay take it cool. Don't think .

Breathe. Always remember to breathe. 

Why is it so hard. 

What's there to choke, drama queen.

It's rude to leave like that,  let's just finish what we are having.

Washroom . Yes . Give myself a pep talk. Yeah. You got this.  How do I stop my lips from quivering. Would lipstick help.

Okay smile. 

Nobody is going to eat you. 

This was not supposed to be this sad .

It was supposed to be liberating.  Like coming fresh out of a shower .

But I,  I don't have any regrets.  I wanted to say it since a decade. And I'm proud of myself that I finally mustered the courage to say it, only to be rejected without a second thought.  Without a hopeful pause. Plain and out there. Bare for anyone to step on it .and squish it and kill it.

And I died just a little out there.

My strong grip on this wine glass might crush the glass. Stop it. 

"We'll leave?"

'Yeah'

"The pizza was so good"

'It was amazing.'

"The wine too."

'Yess!'

"I'll book cab?"

'Yes. I should be going too.'

How is it so easy to have such a shallow conversation after such a beautiful eventful evening . How deep was this love.  How am I still standing.  Everything is so heavy and I'm a little dizzy. 

"Hey my cab guy is here!"

'I'll miss you '

If this was a movie I would've burst into tears and ran and hugged him tight and not let him go.  But my throat went dry and I mustered the courage and smiled at him.

I'll miss you terribly too.  The words never left my tongue. 

We hugged and I got into my cab and rode into the distance . My contact lenses couldn't hold it and the burst of tears came 37 seconds late or so. I cried all the way home. There is no reason to cry. There are no memories to cherish. Nothing lost .

But nothing ever the same.

And it ended just like that. 

No happy endings. No goodbyes. 

Pavlov and I

I've always had the best of everything. 

I ask for it I get it.

Except for the things I really wanted or the

people I really loved .

So everytime I feel like I need something,  I get instantly scared because I'm not used to getting what I truly desire. 

I get alternatives instead .

But I'm too immature to value the alternatives. 

Because hey God, give me what I want. 

And I imagine God to say something like

Hey kid, work for it. 

Does God really work that way? Is it like crime and punishment.

Are we like Pavlov and his conditioned dog. And God is Pavlov.

I just need to have some discipline  and get out of this place for good when the time comes.  

I really don't know man.  I don't have anyone to talk to. It's draining for me to talk to everyone I call my friends.  Because I don't share what I want to share.  Instead i make fun of my friends for what they do and criticize them to a point they leave. 

I realize how fucked up that is. It's like the dog knows that it's just the bell and not the food.  But what the hell.

Let's go wagging our tails for the things that we don't get.