Vishu.

Someone wrapped my eyes close, turned me over and slowly let go. There in a smartphone screen I saw Krishna, decorated with flowers and garlands and lamps.
''Vishu aashamsakal'' he whispered into my ears.
A very happy moment.
                            ****
"Wake up I'm already late for practice !" I woke up to his rushing into my room .
"I'm sorry I slept off .." I said, still in the middle of some happy dream.
"Get ready now, we'll go"
"But it's vishu. I would like to go to temple."
"Okay then I'll go, you can go with your sister"
"Oh .. okay." Flashes of our last vishu together kept playing in my head. We had gone to iskcon then. It's been a year.
He had already left.

These days I don't know how to respond.

You told me how you fell in love with my practicality and logical thinking.And how I am no longer that but a mere emotional being. 

I don't understand how that's bad.Well of course, we are the new generation, this is the new trend,we suppress our emotions and we act cool.Heartlessness is glorified and admired. Aloof is the new sexy. But for how long can you keep up this facade, not expressing what needs to be. Not letting it out. And then , letting it expand and burst and finally kill you. 

But you wouldn't know that, cause you're aloof and now you can't ask for help. Cause that will be uncool.

I usually don't hold grudges over years.

But 2019, was the most fucked up year I had.

And if I lose my shit. I take full responsibility of that . I'm not blaming anyone. That's one thing I learnt..

What did you learn? 

Oh God.My exams are giving my depression a depression.

Don't let any shit take away your career . That's stupid.

Pick yourself up . Dust yourself up. Ok now I'm in a song . Bye

You're right . I have changed .

I used to be a non fussy person , . As much as I liked seeing drama,I hated making a fuss. But these days , all I seem to be able to do, is make even more of a fuss.

I'm sorry . I know this sounds shallow but I'd like to blame love for everything that made me change.

Love , a concept which we use and overuse . Something we can twist into a hundred other things that it's not.

I love you . And I wish I had said that a little more. But would that have made you love me a little more? Just a little so that it'd make you stay. So that I wouldn't have to make such a fuss about you. Such a fuss about love. Because you see .No one has time for this . I'm getting tired of the fuss I'm making. I'm getting tired of my petty posts. There's no moral in my stories and my English teacher if she read this,would tell me she wouldn't give me a grade unless there's a point in my writing.

But you see, it's not just my stories that I don't see a point in.

You know what my older self would tell me if I were to meet her now?

She'd say

"If only you were a little less concerned about some people, you would reach great heights"

If only it was that simple , my dear old self, do you recall how you felt right now. Shouldn't you be saying

 " Don't you worry, this too shall pass."

You are keeping quiet instead. Thanks man, my life is sorted.

People are so strange.

For me, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I know I should be grateful for the things I have.

But I'm not so mature you know, 

I'm striving to be , but the process is kinda slow I guess.

I can't pinpoint the feeling.

It's not a void really. 

Its more like a tube with water flowing inside.

You're happy when the waters starts falling through ,

But that's so 

Short termed

And you know

 it's gone.

And sometimes you don't think about the tube

You laugh with others.

But is it just me 

Or does everyone think my laugh 

is so

Shallow.

Like it lacks the soul in it.

So I end it before everyone else,

Nobody would notice now.

And I've never noticed these things about me.

It's like I've become

 a stranger, to me .

Note to self

For the love of God .

Do not try to control the things you cannot change. Let things be. Things are exactly what they seem like. Nothing more. Nothing less. Take everything at face value. Learn to accept them. And let go.