If you can't see

and appreciate all the good in  me

then you're just not good enough for me.

Because falling in love with you

does not mean falling out of love with myself.

Solace

Depression I guess is sometimes productive. Some people draw new art, some sculpt , some sing and others write.All things creative are born out of happiness or sadness. But would it really make you think a little clearer like you hope it would . Would it perhaps give you the clarity you want in life. Your solace. Sometimes it would.

And sometimes it doesn't. Like a drop of water in the Sahara. You won't know it's there . You don't matter.

Ever since I was 6.i always prayed everyone to fall in love with me. Everyday my prayers went " Dear God , please the  whole world, guys and girls, cats and dogs everyone fall in love with me" 

So many summers later. No the whole world is not in love with me. But magic did happen, with a twist. The ones who loved me,. Loved me for who they perceived and imagined to be me.Aye God, that's not the same . Now I'm caged in something I'm not but have to stay the same. Because. Well . So much love at stake.

Stop waiting.

For people to say the things you want to hear. For them to apologise and make amends. Things happen when they should.

Only you can make yourself happy.
You are your world.

You must be .

Risks .

Year 2009.
"But I love interesting people !" Typed in 12 year old Evelyn.
"Interesting people can be fun to be around but it comes with risk."came the reply from another gamer in the portal.

Evelyn doesn't like to think too much.She logged out.

She liked talking to her co characters while playing Super Secret. She'd do it once she comes back from school.

                             ****
Present.
Amidst all the silent chaos Evelyn still didn't like to think so much. But she couldn't help it.
Comfort zones scare her. Explains why she can't keep permanent friends.

But life's not dull. It's actually quite chill with the right crew, the right amount of jokes at the right time blah blah.

But then there's this winged man.haha. Not funny but worth her time.A lot of her time.

But the winged man once said he comes with risks. Risks are sometimes what makes people or even lives interesting. She was 12 years again. Didn't wanna think. And couldn't log out either.

And Evelyn most childishly wishes he'd stay interesting.

As I lay here

I wonder what you're upto

Are you lying awake

Or  having fun elsewhere.

I wonder if you're smiling

At some random thought..

Would you smile or scream if

You were in a roller coaster.

Would you close your eyes if

it rains.

I wouldn't know.

Because I'm letting go.

Philosophy in a cup of coffee.

Hope in the smell of rain.

Faith in unsure eyes.

Love in a gesture.

And sometimes. .. Gods in people.

We find answers to our deepest questions in the simplest of places.

I don't want a lover. I want a best friend.

Mood swings suck. We push away the people who love us for reasons we can't fathom. We complicate our lives. Mine so much to the point  I want to run away and start afresh. I don't know how a girl who used to be so chill with everything would turn out to be this sensitive and clingy. My  desire to be independent is stronger than ever yet I want company in everything I do. The lack of talent in expressing what I feel makes me lose the people I wanna keep.

I don't want a lover. As much as how it would be nice to have someone to go on dates with, hold hands with, cuddle with and even plan a future with.. Love is scary.

I want a best friend. Someone who I can laugh with. Share my insecurities with. Not be bothered about how dead I might look, or how stunning. Someone I can trust and share everything with. Someone who is the same level of crazy. And someone who in the end, I'll fall head over heels in love with.

Why study now.

I don't write posts like this. But it's 12 .20 at night and I've my first year mbbs exams coming up and I don't feel anywhere near studying.

I could spend the night listening to music or reading murakami instead of cramming up anatomy and biochemistry and what else. So why do I need to study apart from the obvious reasons​ of passing the exam so I don't waste my parents' money. But how can such a reason give me my much needed motivation for studying ?

I've thought about this before and I'm thinking about it now. People say life isn't the marks you get or the awards you collect. I don't disagree. But think about the inverse, if we don't study now , we'll do everything except that and enjoy the moment and seize the day, a decade from now .. Wouldn't we regret that we didn't utilise the time​when we had it?  Wouldn't we have to see our colleagues leading a better life? I know a cousin of mine who got married at 18 and living a happy married life according to my parents. She didn't pursue a higher education . It was her choice but wouldn't she atleast for a split second  think how if she got a chance, she would rethink the decision she took.

Okay most of us hated studying almost all our entire lives ( studying and learning are different) . But do we wish we have not studied and learnt the things we did learn in the end? Didn't all this make us a , if not better atleast a little more adept as a person.

Ok life if not about the marks but it is about how much you learnt from life. Struggle makes people stronger. So struggle your way to the top. And always always remember all smart people aren't successful, but people who are passionate and hard working are.

Go make your mark.

Fly away

I just hate some peoples' guts.
Once upon a time, there was this girl Dasie , yeah that's her name . Her main hobby was stealing crushes. I mean she already has a boyfriend but she gets jealous when she sees someone enjoying the company of another person. And she was a friend of Evelyn. Evelyn is the main character of our I don't know where to start story. She's not a goody goody girl, but she's not very bad. She doesn't steal crushes , but her friend does .Dasie is not really Evelyn's friend, situations made it so. A lot of things in life are like that. Not by choice.

Evelyn likes Dimitri. Dasie doesn't like him but she doesn't want Dimitri to like Evelyn, atleast that's what Evelyn feels.

Dimitri can fly. He develops translucent wings when he is in that mood. No he's not a drug addict. That's what Evelyn loves about him. She wants to fly with him.

Release

Life is a vicious cycle of avoiding the people who love you , wishing the people who don't give a f to love you back and holding on between these two . We don't see the people who love us, at this point i really don't know if i can use the word 'we', because i believe there exists people who love each other .. I believe in a lot of things.

When i write stuff i feel I'm obliged to end things on a positive note. So that someone might benefit if not me. There's a fine line for everything. I know these sentences aren't making sense they aren't making any to me either.

I'm writing to get this anger out of me. I'm an angry person who never gets angry. It comes with its​ side effects. The potential harm being within. I hope nobody reads this crap. Because the greatest breakdowns happen when we tell our heart out to people who don't understand us. It's better to be left unknown and mysterious than to be misunderstood. So I'll vent my feelings here, put these thoughts into words.. Before it threatens the life it belongs to.

How about stories?

I'm done with real life. You can't capture real life for real , it will always be from someone else's point of view. It wouldn't be the actual truth. Then again truth is a self asserted fact, good and bad and truth and false are all just labels. So how about twisted stories of things under the sun. More interesting, less complicated and less guilt i would say.

When your ambition is greater than your​ talents i guess what happens is that life passes by you when you're not even looking.

Right now, I'm 19 and life is crazy as hell. What if it isn't this crazy after a decade or two? There will be a million people to tell you to cease the moment , live your life .. But how exactly?