Dreams

And I wake up

I go back inside my blanket.

The stillness driving me mad.

I imagine seeing you again

Amidst sunflower fields

We walk towards each other

Wind blowing like how they show in anime,

And suddenly it’s snowing and we make eye contact

“ I’ve never seen snow” I mutter

And we kiss

I wake up again

Like a river flows

​In between cutting an old suture

I remember how long your fingers were

How they would grip a pencil 

And how I wonder nobody else can hold it like that

While in a cab and I see a flower shop

I'd remember how you painted three flowers 

On a canvas , and I'd wonder how three entirely different species fit into a plant yet they looked somehow at home , at peace.

While I'm climbing stairs out of breath

Out of nowhere

I remember us in a train , 

Sharing a seat because you gave up your booked seat to someone else. 

How once you played Spiderman 

To my Mary Jane 

And then I wonder what are you upto these days

Do you still sing like you used to

Do you still play yiruma whenever you’re blue

Do you Jay walk everywhere you go

I hope you’re happier now though .

I hope you marry your girlfriend and I hope you get to sleep whenever you want to.

And I hope we don’t see again because I don’t know how to forgive you

 but I admire you the same.

Walk away

You don’t need this Evelyn

You have had more setbacks than any heroine I know.

Don’t fuck it up for someone else

You don’t have the mental energy

You’re too old for this.

What you should look for is stability and peace.

Ah

Fuck it. 

Fireworks on a moody day

I can’t stand to watch fireworks alone.

It will remind me 

of my childhood

Of that college diwali 

Of your smile making creases around your hazel eyes.

My feelings for Diwali certainly did not change.

I would like a cigarette today. 

Kidney stone

I’m writing this because I think I will forget this memory soon. Like I can’t remember details anymore.

It was our going out day. Just the two of us. You told me you’ll buy me sushi. Cause I’ve never had it in my life. I put on a cute top after rushing from class . Sushi excitement I think I deleted that post on this very blog. I don’t really remember where we were supposed to go, I do remember on our way you got a call. You cut the call. You stopped and said we will go somewhere else for dinner tonight to ccd because it’s nearer and we are meeting Leila. (I hate Leila now , we used to be besties ) 

I don’t remember what happened in between we reached a hospital where our friend was admitted . You had 

Too short

Why do I feel that

Every time I do something

I should do it fast

Get it done soon so I can move on to the next one

Why am I living like time’s too less

Like I’d die tomorrow.

What’s the race against

Frantically searching for you

In everything I do

Right now

I want to call you up.

I want to ask you

How you’re doing ,

Without me.

I don’t miss you much

Only

Once in a while.

When I’m the busiest

When I am needed somewhere else

When I have an exam tomorrow

And I wish I’d be somewhere else

With you

Idle 

In bed

My head in your tummy

Talking about song lyrics

And how it somehow fits.

The window

It’s my favourite hobby 

Easily everyone’s favourite hobby

I’d sit at the edge of the bench near the window in school.

They had huge gaps in between the grills making me feel like if I were cat woman I could’ve gotten out .

I look out

To get a very usual view of the road

A tailor shop and a bar where I thought only uncles went

I’d watch people come and go

I watch the wind rustling the leaves

I watch traffic

I watch people going into the bar secretly 

I watch it rain

Even when I’m concentrating in class

I will still look out

My mind blank.

Gave me some sort of joy

In not having to intervene 

Not feeling like I should do something 

I look out when I’m sad

I look out when I’m happy

I look out when I don’t think anything

And I waste my time in bliss .

I don’t have a window in my flat in lucknow.

So I brush it off when i think about jumping off a window .

Where the sea touches the sky

What if I die before seeing you again

What if we are too far away to meet again

I cannot recall the last time I saw you

What was it that we talked about

I forgot your smile

Were we supposed to end that way

Half undone 

​I wish I dissolve and just get wiped out

So that there won’t be any screaming in my head

The pain would numb

And I’d float in bliss

Maybe that’s what the saints wanted when they meant atonement 

Bliss 

 The earth to split just a little so I slip in painlessly 

I hope I don’t get dirt on my face while on the way down though

Because the tiniest inconvenience irks me

It makes me anxious 

And I refuse to let out a breath

Till my head throbes and I’ll have to let out a gasp.

I forgot what started the irritation

I’m just tired 

I would’ve given up 

If

I’ve known how to.