fuck this shit.

Will you be sad if I stop asking for your attention?

Will you miss it, my attention.

You say you love me.

I say I love you more.

But why do you make me feel like I need the attention.

Like I need to be loved .

I know we should love ourselves first ,

Then only can we love others .

But how is it that I feel

 I was better off alone ,

Better off before us.

But would you say we were hasty

In making our decision.

Do you regret it cause I'm not what you thought I'd be and you're far from it too.

We thought we'll find ourselves in us.

But did we end up losing what we had.

Roommates.

'Do you want laddus my mom made ? ' 

I'll take one. She seems nice . Dimitri was right.I can adjust with her. And her smile is so warm .

Both of them are nice. They let me sleep and be myself. Somedays we order in. It's great fun when we all eat together. And it helps that we are the same batch, they'll remind me of the things I've to do.

I'm celebrating new year with them. To many more fun new years.

Roommates don't have to tell you everything that happens in their lives. What if they feel I'm being nosy. Let me not ask what is up. If they tell me, I'll listen, it would be rude to interfere.

Is it just me or do we all talk less now.

'Is there anything wrong? ' 

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

It's just in my head.

Things will be better when we get back from home. I'll ask them then. Cause I miss talking.

Oh my room has a new lock.

I've new roommates. Juniors .

I don't have keys. I don't know them.

Whom do I ask, ..without sounding, so lost.

I'm tired from my trip from home.

I should take a bath.

I have other friends. 

I'll ask them what I can do.

They give me everything to bath. I'm thankful , what if they also left. I'm lucky. 

It felt like my tears were warming up the water.

'What did I do wrong ?' was all I could think all through my bath and months to come .

I climbed back up to my room . The juniors had gotten back from their first day at college .

'Hi . I'm the roommate .' I said pointing to my side of the room, talking through a lump in my throat.

" Ohh hiiii. Do you want Nippattu I brought from home" 

"No . But Thanks" I smile.

I write this down two years later. So I can finally forgive my first real roommates and myself . I never got to hear their side of the story. They never wanted to say. So I guess we will never know.

I'll forgive them for making me believe that people always leave. For giving me insane attachment and trust issues . I'll forgive myself for believing that I'm the reason people always leave .

This too shall pass .

Do you know where stress hits the hardest .

My stomach.

I look totally normal on the outside while my stomach would be flipping inside.

I don't know what have come over me. 

It's like this year I don't have any reason to not study and I'm still not studying.

I've ten days for my final year exams.

My last in my ug life.

Part of me just wants to pass, part of me knows that it's my last chance to prove that I've way more potential than my previous marks .

But then I've to study to get either.

And here I am wasting my second day reading gastric carcinoma.

Hurry worry curry. I feel my stomach is listening in to my thoughts.

The stress I feel , now feels localised and diffuse all at once.

Don't flip so much , it's just an exam.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I was once competitive . 

Now all I want is a good night's guiltless sleep .