Non entity.

Don't break your heart 

Just so that you can feel. 

Because that's what I've been doing. 

Falling and unfalling 

Till you become numb to what love truly is.

Till you become a nobody to yourself.

A non entity .

And then. 

You don't know what to do anymore. 

You step aside to spectate your life,  and you see. 

You don't like it much , do you ?

I'm tired of being the asshole.

I'm tired of people thinking I am good deep down. 

I'm as shitty as I seem to you, maybe even worse. 

I'm tired of thinking I'm better than this .

I'm tired of trying to please everyone .

Trying to live upto everyone. 

Can't you just let people be their pathetic selfs. 

Just let me be.

I'd let this earth come up and swallow me whole and I'll be happy sitting underground. 

Fuck you for thinking I'm better than this .

Because I'm not and I'm done trying to be something I can never be .

Amen.

This dude I met at a bar asked me if I've ever been truly in love. 

Dude I'm tired of my heart falling a little in love with everyone I meet. 

Because heart, you need to stop. 

You don't have to fall in love with laughter, and syncing jokes and pretty eyes and shiny foreheads. 

Because you can't handle that much.

And you're such a snowflake when it comes to love.

You need all the love you can get with no returns guaranteed. 

So fuck truly in love.

Just sleep . Or better study something, so you can like pay for your own drinks. 

We promised we'd get tender coconut ice cream the next time we see.

And that we won't eat it till we eat it together.

But every next time we see,

we don't find it in the supermarket. 

And we say nale.

Hoping nale comes sooner.

Now I'm anxious. 

What if we never make it till tender coconut. 

What if this concrete bubble we made for ourselves 

Just pops.

What if they stop making it.

What if we start hating tender coconut. 

Or worse. Us.

Why does this perfect love scare me.

What scarred me so much that I think all good things should come to an end.

As if I don't deserve any ice cream in life .

Tell me it's all in my head and that we are proof that good things last. 

And just so you know.

If all that's left in the world is tender coconut ice cream. 

 I'd quit sugar for you. 

Madness is seasonal to elephants I've heard .

I think it's seasonal for humans too. 

Around this season,  I  feel quite out of place.

 out of my head.

Like my mind comes and sits in my heart for a while.

And my heart can't really think straight. 

And all I can do is cry every three hours.

And everything overwhelms me .

And I hate that I can't do anything about it. 

And I'm frustrated as you are at my incompetence. 

And my mind wants to tell my heart 

That my hearts not in the right place. 

Now, isn't that a lot of internal conflict. 

I smirk at my lame joke as I push my heart out of it's mediastinum .

Walls

Can I stand on your toes, 

So I can look right into your eyes.

Hold down your second toe with mine and touch your arms for balance.

It's crazy how you can remember touch. I'll remember  to tell my walls about you today.

How you keep my thoughts at bay.

How when I close my eyes,

My thoughts can measure your proximity.

And my walls know secrets sometimes I don't like to tell myself. 

But that's okay.  For now. 

Because I can see me 

when I see you.

Emotional fool.

I ruin it all the time. 

But you should know , that the only

Thing that comes easy to me 

Is loving you. 

Everything else is so difficult. 

Getting out of bed everyday is a misery. 

I know I shouldn't lose myself loving you.

But I'd self destruct for you. 

And I'm lost without you. 

And I don't know why I'm sad .

fuck this shit.

Will you be sad if I stop asking for your attention?

Will you miss it, my attention.

You say you love me.

I say I love you more.

But why do you make me feel like I need the attention.

Like I need to be loved .

I know we should love ourselves first ,

Then only can we love others .

But how is it that I feel

 I was better off alone ,

Better off before us.

But would you say we were hasty

In making our decision.

Do you regret it cause I'm not what you thought I'd be and you're far from it too.

We thought we'll find ourselves in us.

But did we end up losing what we had.

Roommates.

'Do you want laddus my mom made ? ' 

I'll take one. She seems nice . Dimitri was right.I can adjust with her. And her smile is so warm .

Both of them are nice. They let me sleep and be myself. Somedays we order in. It's great fun when we all eat together. And it helps that we are the same batch, they'll remind me of the things I've to do.

I'm celebrating new year with them. To many more fun new years.

Roommates don't have to tell you everything that happens in their lives. What if they feel I'm being nosy. Let me not ask what is up. If they tell me, I'll listen, it would be rude to interfere.

Is it just me or do we all talk less now.

'Is there anything wrong? ' 

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

It's just in my head.

Things will be better when we get back from home. I'll ask them then. Cause I miss talking.

Oh my room has a new lock.

I've new roommates. Juniors .

I don't have keys. I don't know them.

Whom do I ask, ..without sounding, so lost.

I'm tired from my trip from home.

I should take a bath.

I have other friends. 

I'll ask them what I can do.

They give me everything to bath. I'm thankful , what if they also left. I'm lucky. 

It felt like my tears were warming up the water.

'What did I do wrong ?' was all I could think all through my bath and months to come .

I climbed back up to my room . The juniors had gotten back from their first day at college .

'Hi . I'm the roommate .' I said pointing to my side of the room, talking through a lump in my throat.

" Ohh hiiii. Do you want Nippattu I brought from home" 

"No . But Thanks" I smile.

I write this down two years later. So I can finally forgive my first real roommates and myself . I never got to hear their side of the story. They never wanted to say. So I guess we will never know.

I'll forgive them for making me believe that people always leave. For giving me insane attachment and trust issues . I'll forgive myself for believing that I'm the reason people always leave .

This too shall pass .

Do you know where stress hits the hardest .

My stomach.

I look totally normal on the outside while my stomach would be flipping inside.

I don't know what have come over me. 

It's like this year I don't have any reason to not study and I'm still not studying.

I've ten days for my final year exams.

My last in my ug life.

Part of me just wants to pass, part of me knows that it's my last chance to prove that I've way more potential than my previous marks .

But then I've to study to get either.

And here I am wasting my second day reading gastric carcinoma.

Hurry worry curry. I feel my stomach is listening in to my thoughts.

The stress I feel , now feels localised and diffuse all at once.

Don't flip so much , it's just an exam.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I was once competitive . 

Now all I want is a good night's guiltless sleep .

Part 2 of 10

It's always more of who you're with than where you are.

I can go live on the moon with you. I think.

Atleast you'd be my first choice if I'd ever have to choose.

 If all what's happening now is made into a movie ,

I wouldn't know where these thoughts fit. Because we don't waste time when we are together. 

It's so fast 

and so slow all at once.  

And I hope it'll be the same even if we spend the entire of eternity together. Closing in on the little personal space we have. 

And it is that feeling again.

Eeerily comfortable,

strangely quiet, 

Yet so intense.

I wouldn't believe in magic if it weren't for us. 

I could be everything and everywhere at once.

 It's like a hot shower in cold mornings , 

it's like falling asleep when you've had the longest of days, it's all too sweet. 

It's all too comfortable.

It's all too addictive. 

I don't know how I'll for settle for 

anything less now.

I don't know how I'd react to normal.

And I know you feel the same. 

And that's a first.

I like to think

That love is above us all.

That love pushes through across different lives.

Love ,conquers.

And we fall a little in  love with everyone we meet.

And I don't know what's more scarier.

A fresh start.

This is my second post with the same title.

The first one was around this time last year, when I couldn't get myself to start over .

But I mean it this time. It's a fresh start.

I don't know what changed.

I don't know if I'm stronger now

 or I just got better at pushing things

 out of my head .

I wish you are okay too. 

That you, like me , is healing.

And I don't hate you. Cause I've better things to do in life than to hold on to hate.

And I've people that warm my heart. 

And make me skip my beats even when I thought we are all too old for young love.

But then, love doesn't grow old. 

Love starts over.

And I don't know if that is happy or terrifying

 or both at the same time.